'I didn't know who to ask about how it should feel': postpartum women navigating the return to physically active leisure

RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 1 ‘I didn’t know who to ask about how it should feel’: Postpartum women navigating the return to 1 physically active leisure 2 3 Talia Ritondo1, Corliss Bean2*, & Iris Lesser3 4 1 Department of Sport Management, Brock University; [email protected] 5 2 Department of Recreation & Leisure Studies, Brock University; [email protected] 6 3 School of Kinesiology, University of the Fraser Valley, [email protected] 7 8 *Corresponding author: Corliss Bean ([email protected]), Twitter: @corliss_bean 9 https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14927713.2023.2224344 10 accepted on May 7, 2023 11 Abstract word count: 143; Manuscript word count: 9293 (excluding references) 12 Number of Figures: 0; Number of Tables 1 13 Funding sources: Brock University’s Vice-President Research Discretionary Fund and Brock 14 University’s Faculty of Applied Health Sciences 15 16 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 2 Abstract 17 Access to physically active leisure (PAL) is critical during the postpartum period. 18 However, this period is fraught with drastic transformations to body and mind, altering PAL. 19 Therefore, the purpose of this study was to explore postpartum women’s experiences as they 20 navigate PAL engagement. Specifically, we sought to understand supports women needed to 21 engage in PAL within the first year postpartum. Twenty-three postpartum women participated in 22 semi-structured interviews, which we then interpreted through narrative analysis. Three major 23 stories emerged through the data: (a) engaging in PAL through the transformations of 24 motherhood, (b) lacking postpartum PAL support, and (c) women supporting themselves and 25 each other. Moreover, our findings uncovered the lacking social and healthcare supports 26 postpartum women receive, and the importance of self-compassion and self-sufficiency in their 27 PAL engagement. Findings may advance academic literature and inform healthcare teams in 28 providing long-term postpartum support to women. 29 Keywords: mothers, qualitative, self-compassion, identity 30 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 3 ‘I didn’t know who to ask about how it should feel’: Postpartum women navigating the 31 return to physically active leisure 32 The transition to parenthood can impact postpartum women’s well-being due to maternal 33 distress caused by adaptation, functioning, and connecting (Copeland & Harbaugh, 2019). After 34 the birth of a child, women are recovering physically from pregnancy and the birth process, 35 which can negatively impact their quality of life (Jomeen & Martin, 2012). Mental health is one 36 of the most widely recognized and diagnosed health concerns among the postpartum population 37 (Jomeen & Martin, 2012). While the physical recovery from childbirth is often defined as the 38 first 6 months after the birth of a child (Brown et al., 1999), ongoing mental health concerns are 39 present and prevalent one year postpartum (Hannon et al., 2022). One opportunity for supporting 40 women in early motherhood is through access and opportunity for physically active leisure 41 (PAL) during the postpartum period, which is six weeks to 12 months post-childbirth (Saligheh 42 et al., 2016). PAL is all behavior connected with physical activity (PA) that people engage in 43 during their free time (Miller & Brown, 2005). Engaging in PAL has been associated with 44 improved well-being during the postpartum period (Petty & Trussell, 2021). Therefore, in this 45 study we explore postpartum women’s experiences and available support as they navigate PAL 46 engagement. 47 Physical activity engagement in the postpartum population 48 Despite the benefits of PA, engagement tends to be lower during postpartum and remains 49 lower compared to women without children (Adamo et al., 2012). PA is encouraged by 50 healthcare professionals in the postpartum period, with recommendations outlining a gradual 51 return to PA 6-weeks after a vaginal birth and 10-weeks after a surgical birth (American College 52 of Obstetricians and Gynecologists [ACOG], 2020). However, calls have been made for 53 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 4 education that assists women in returning to PA after birth, including what constitutes safe PAL, 54 which represents a further barrier to engagement (Evenson et al., 2014). Women often view PAL 55 engagement as structured exercise. For instance, Lloyd et al. (2016) found that many mothers 56 who engaged in postpartum PAL frequently aimed to pursue more intense exercise as perhaps 57 viewed in PA guidelines (150 minutes of moderate-to-vigorous activity). In reality, PAL is all 58 domestic, occupational, and sport-related activities and is inclusive of leisure activity 59 experienced in motherhood (e.g., child carrying, strolling). Shelton and Lee (2018) indicated that 60 rather than describing PA as an additional expectation of new motherhood, it should be seen as a 61 positive opportunity to engage with other women, as group-based PAL after the birth of a child 62 has been shown to reduce loneliness (Saligheh et al., 2016) and improve mental well-being 63 (Hatfield et al., 2022). 64 PA engagement in the postpartum period may be further altered by a desire for women to 65 return to their pre-pregnancy size rather than as a form of leisure. Many mothers struggle with 66 body confidence as they adapt to a changed body with dissatisfaction peaking at 6 months 67 postpartum (Rallis et al., 2007). While research in pregnancy has found that women who were 68 more active had higher body satisfaction during the perinatal phase (Sun et al., 2018), active 69 mothers have been shown to have greater body dissatisfaction than inactive mothers in the 70 postpartum phase (Lesser et al., 2023). Therefore, further understanding of the role of PA in the 71 experience of body satisfaction is needed moving forward. 72 Challenges to PA engagement postpartum 73 Postpartum women who are not able to engage in PAL as they did prior to motherhood 74 may experience an identity conflict (Bean & Wimbs, 2021; McGannon et al., 2018). To 75 illustrate, participants in Sullivan’s (2013) study expressed feeling a “loss of self” when unable 76 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 5 to engage in meaningful leisure activities. Similarly, Bean and Wimbs (2021) found that being a 77 runner was so engrained in the identities of some women that stopping was not an option despite 78 enduring feelings of guilt for not prioritizing their mother identity. For some mothers, PAL is 79 pursued despite the aforementioned factors, leading to feelings of guilt and psychological 80 distress if they cannot sustain their identity standard (Burke & Stets, 2009). For other mothers, a 81 lack of ability to conform to their adapted identity leads to abandonment of their PA identity, 82 which can result in cessation of PAL (Miller & Brown, 2005). Further, despite our study’s focus 83 being on the experiences of cis-gender women in heterosexual relationships who have given 84 birth, many similar and additional challenges surrounding motherhood, parenthood, PAL, and 85 identity (e.g., good parenting expectations, identity, time negotiation) extend to mothers and 86 parents who have not delivered a child (Waldron & Mullin, 2023). While this commonality in 87 challenges to PAL engagement is important to note, we utilize this paper to specifically address 88 the heterogeneity in the trajectory of PAL in the postpartum period. Research has found that 89 while most new mothers decrease their levels of PA, some women maintain previous levels and a 90 smaller number increase their levels. Liva et al. (2021) found three patterns of decision-making 91 around PA engagement in postpartum women: (a) holding still (engaging in PA was central to 92 daily life), holding back (engaging in PA was unworkable), and pushing for (adapting and 93 achieving PA engagement). This finding suggests that the postpartum transition is a time for 94 revisiting capacity and adaptability around PAL engagement. 95 The variance in PAL engagement through this transitional period may be due in part to 96 the nuanced gender expectations that impact mothers’ leisure experiences (Bean & Wimbs, 97 2021). Within these gendered expectations is the notion of intensive mothering, which is child98 centered, all-consuming, and commonly favored within societal norms of motherhood (Lloyd et 99 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 6 al., 2016). Intensive mothering can shape postpartum women’s leisure behaviors and 100 experiences, particularly in relation to PAL (Miller & Brown, 2005), which are often low on the 101 priority list due to expectations that motherhood should precede time for oneself (Lloyd et al., 102 2016). As mothering remains the priority, leisure engagement during motherhood becomes an 103 additional responsibility, rather than an exchange of responsibility (McGannon et al., 2018). 104 Engaging in PAL in motherhood is compounded with added guilt as women strive to excel in 105 multiple domains (McGannon et al., 2019), attempting to be a super-mom (McGannon & 106 McMahon, 2021). Yet, a gap in the literature remains surrounding the embodiment of 107 motherhood and its impact on PAL (O’Brien et al., 2017). While this socially-constructed view 108 of motherhood has been recently challenged and engagement in leisure pursuits, such as PA, 109 have been strongly advocated for (O’Brien et al., 2017), a lack of time, support, and education 110 persists regarding how to engage in PAL after the birth of a child. Social support has been shown 111 to be strongly influential in the postpartum period in the engagement in positive health behaviors 112 in mothers (Faleschini et al., 2019). Specifically, family support and engagement in PA activity 113 behaviors with family members have been shown to increase PA in mothers postpartum 114 (Bennetter et al., 2022). Despite these known benefits, many postpartum women still cite 115 numerous barriers relating to capability (e.g., lack of knowledge, limitations in healthcare 116 providers’ support) and opportunity (e.g., lack of social support from partners, family, friends 117 and healthcare providers; Makama et al., 2021). 118 Rationale and Study Purpose 119 Exploring how postpartum women experience PAL is an inquiry requiring further 120 exploration. Specifically, Petty and Trussell (2021) outlined a need for research exploring the 121 impact of self-care practices, including PAL, on well-being during major life transitions (i.e., 122 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 7 motherhood). Therefore, understanding experiences of women returning to and engaging in PAL 123 postpartum should be explored (Ellis et al., 2019) to aid women in PAL through this transition. 124 Moreover, there is a paucity of research that has examined PA engagement during the 125 postpartum period from both a leisure perspective and using qualitative approaches (Evans et al., 126 2016). Finally, little research has been conducted to understand the support postpartum women 127 can benefit from considering the demands of intensive mothering and drastic transformations to 128 mind and body they endure during postpartum (Liva et al., 2021). As such, the purpose of this 129 study was to explore postpartum women’s experiences as they navigate PAL engagement. 130 Secondly, this study sought to better understand the necessary support to assist in PAL 131 engagement while undergoing the transformations occurring within their first year of giving birth 132 to a child. 133 Methods 134 Philosophical Approach and Methodology 135 We approached narrative inquiry through a social constructivist perspective as our 136 study’s guiding methodology. Social constructivism acknowledges reality as being co137 constructed between both participants and researchers because human activity and social and 138 social and cultural perspectives construct knowledge and shape social practices, dialogue, and 139 personal narratives (Jones et al., 2014). Coinciding with this perspective, narratives make up the 140 world through personal stories that construct our lives, define our interactions with others, and 141 affirm who we as humans are (Smith & Sparkes, 2009). Narratives are the grander ‘thematic 142 structures’ of one’s life that influence personal stories and illustrate how social interactions, 143 values, culture, ideologies, and power impact a person’s lived experience and identity 144 (Papathomas, 2016). Meanwhile, stories are the smaller, meaningfully chosen articulations of 145 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 8 people’s personal lives that are shaped by interactions with larger narratives throughout society 146 (Sparkes & Smith, 2013). We selected this methodology for research on postpartum women’s 147 PAL experiences because listening to and analyzing participant stories through this perspective 148 highlights both the personal and the social while centering the messiness and complexity of 149 people’s lives (Smith & Sparkes, 2009). Further, previous research understanding postpartum 150 women’s PA experiences has noted the important role narratives and stories play in identity 151 construction, which then impacts how they engage in PAL (McGannon et al., 2022; McGannon 152 & McMahon, 2021). 153 Participants and Procedure 154 Institutional ethical approval was obtained from the authors’ institutions prior to data 155 collection. The study was part of a larger mixed-methods project examining postpartum 156 women’s experiences engaging in PAL within the first year of motherhood. The larger study 157 included a mass survey distributed via paid social media ads to target mothers with infants. At 158 the end of the survey, individuals were asked to identify if they were interested in being 159 contacted for an interview and to provide their email address if interested. Eligible participants 160 for this study were self-identifying women who had given birth to a child within the last 5-12 161 months at time of data collection, placing them in the postpartum period (Saligheh et al., 2016). 162 Sixty-seven women indicated they were interested in study participation and provided their 163 contact information. Twenty-six women did not respond to recruitment emails, 11 were not 164 eligible for study participation (i.e., not in first year postpartum), and 3 women cancelled their 165 interview. The project participants consisted of 23 self-identifying women. All participants were 166 in heterosexual relationships. Most women identified as white and all lived in Canada or 167 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 9 America (see Table 1). Informed consent was acquired in writing and again verbally at interview 168 commencement. 169 Data collection took place during the COVID-19 pandemic (October 2021–January 170 2022). While the study purpose was not to intentionally understand women’s postpartum 171 experiences in the context of the pandemic, we recognize how it may have affected some 172 participants’ stories. We collected data through semi-structured interviews with participants, 173 whereby interviews were audio-recorded and took place over the telephone or virtually through a 174 university-licenced Microsoft Teams platform. Interviews took a conversational tone as Author 1 175 (A1) spoke with participants, with conversations lasting between 55 to 100 minutes (see 176 Appendix A for interview guide). Collecting data through semi-structured interviews aligns with 177 narrative inquiry because interviews with a conversational tone give participants space to 178 construct stories in their own words (Clandinin & Connelly, 2000). A semi-structured interview 179 format also allowed A1 to adjust the line of questions and the conversation to follow the 180 narrative and built strong rapport with each participant (Squire, 2011). As such, aligning with 181 narrative inquiry, interviews were co-constructed between A1 and participants (Smith & 182 Sparkes, 2009). This approach invited postpartum women to share their lived experiences as 183 mothers engaging in PAL (McGannon & McMahon, 2021) while navigating societal narratives 184 surrounding PA, motherhood, and its gendered expectations. Sixteen participants were alone for 185 their interviews while their infant napped or was in a separate room with another caregiver. 186 Seven participants had their infants present for the interview; some babies were on camera while 187 others were off camera, and one participant nursed her baby during the conversation. At times 188 crying or babbling was heard, which added to our conversation. 189 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 16 reconciling that I'm a new person. I’m never going to be athletic like I was before. It’s realizing 326 that part of my life is completely over.’ 327 This identity transition with motherhood caused participants to rethink how they 328 prioritized PAL in their lives. Some women continued to prioritize PAL because they believed 329 their exercise identity supported their mother identity, as Leah shared: ‘I do this for myself 330 because I know what makes me feel good. I also want to be a good role model for my son. If he 331 sees my husband and I as active, then hopefully he'll follow suit.’ Comparatively, several 332 mothers no longer felt they could prioritize their PAL because of their motherhood 333 responsibilities. As Sandra stated: ‘Right now, my priority is [child]…I make food for her, when 334 instead I could be stretching or doing yoga. My time is almost entirely hers’. Like Sandra, Josie 335 prioritized their children’s care over PAL engagement. They expressed wanting to shift 336 priorities, but found it difficult because of the obligations associated with their mother identities 337 and associated guilt: 338 It’s self-induced…My husband is like, ‘Take time for yourself.’ But in my head, take 339 time for myself means I must ensure the kids are dressed, there's activities for them to 340 do, and their food prepped—taking time for myself is 22 steps before I can do anything. 341 It becomes a slippery slope downward. 342 For these and many other postpartum women, identifying as mothers made it difficult for them to 343 prioritize and engage in PAL and associated identities. 344 Navigating a new body and the bounce back narrative. Childbirth brought on many 345 changes to postpartum women’s bodies, which impacted their body image and PAL engagement. 346 Most participants juggled narratives of accepting their new body and struggling to adjust to PAL 347 in their new bodies. Raven’s experience highlighted this duality: ‘I don't love my body, but I 348 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 17 love what it's done, creating two wonderful, healthy beings, and feeding them. I love what it 349 does, but I'm not in love with it right now.’ Returning to PAL postpartum felt strange for many 350 participants, as though they were disconnected from their old self. For example, Faye felt that 351 pregnancy changed her relationship with her body: ‘I wondered what activities I can do? I've 352 been very connected to my body my whole life, but pregnancy threw me for a huge loop. I've 353 never felt more disconnected from my body’. Participants also acknowledged that childbirth is 354 major trauma, requiring time to refamiliarize with one’s body, as Willow explained her 355 experiences re-engaging with PAL: ‘It was a lot of trial and error. I had to see for myself what 356 was comfortable, what wasn't comfortable’. 357 Further, accepting how their new bodies looked when engaging in PAL was also a 358 process, as Loretta explained: ‘I've had to be graceful with myself, not hard on myself like I was 359 before. I must remember that I gave birth to two children, and it’s going to look different’. Body 360 acceptance took effort from many participants but doing so helped them feel healthy and engage 361 in PAL in ways that worked for them. However, achieving body acceptance was rare for 362 participants. Most participants struggled to accept their postpartum bodies, which negatively 363 impacted their self-esteem. Rena struggled mentally with body acceptance: ‘I have a pouch and 364 I’m 12 pounds above what I was pre-pregnancy. I look in the mirror after a shower and I'm 365 upset. I’m like, “Oh God, I really need to start exercising”’. Even when postpartum women 366 engaged in PAL after childbirth, many participants struggled to feel good about their bodies, as 367 Hope shared: ‘I didn’t feel comfortable exercising after having a baby. Everything was changed 368 and loose, it hurt. My stomach flopped. Running in place, doing stairs or mountain climbers, it 369 didn’t feel fun. It made me feel ashamed of my body’. Navigating perceptions about their new 370 bodies while engaging in PAL was challenging for many participants. 371 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 18 Participants also felt societal expectations to return to their pre-baby weight influenced 372 how they felt about themselves and their PAL. Participants used the term ‘bounce back’ to 373 highlight these expectations. Loretta shared how the dishonest postpartum narratives society 374 demands from women negatively influenced how she perceives her body: 375 Society doesn’t talk about the ugly parts of being postnatal…how hard it is to recover. 376 There’s a pressure to “bounce back”. I felt it with both pregnancies, anxiety deep down 377 to get back into the gym. I would look at four-month postpartum body and be like, 378 “What are you doing? You're not bouncing back like you should be”. 379 Combatting this narrative was a major component of navigating their postpartum body image 380 because feeling what was expected influenced how they thought about their bodies while 381 juggling PAL and motherhood. 382 Lacking Postpartum PAL Support 383 Participants expressed needing significant support to navigate returning to PAL 384 postpartum. Our second theme expands on how participants felt they lacked support in various 385 ways, while finding reliable and consistent sources of support that suited their needs (emotional, 386 instrumental, and informational) was extremely difficult for many participants. 387 Unsteady sources of support. Childcare was consistently described as critical to 388 engagement in PAL, yet participants found this support to be inconsistent. One reason 389 postpartum women struggled to access childcare support was not being able to rely on family 390 members, as Anne explained: ‘I don't have anybody that can pop over so I can do a workout.’ A 391 lack of consistent familial support was perceived as preventing participants from regularly 392 engaging in PAL. Relying on parents for childcare support was only available to half of our 393 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 19 participants, leaving many postpartum women feeling as though they were: ‘doing it ourselves 394 pretty much 24/7’ (Zara). 395 While partners were often a more consistent form of childcare support, timing of support 396 was challenging in relation to engagement in PAL. For instance, Leanne shared: 397 By the time my husband got home and we got the kids to bed, I was so exhausted, like 398 “I'm not going to the gym now”…I've been up since 5am, I haven't seen him since 399 7:30am. It feels selfish to go and do something by myself. 400 For others like Rena, interesting PAL opportunities were only offered during the day and could 401 not be accessed if depending solely on their partner for childcare support. Some participants felt 402 unsupported by their partner despite being available to care for their child. As such, while 403 partners were sometimes available to support mothers, it was not always perceived as sufficient. 404 Participants outlined the importance of feeling heard and supported emotionally and physically 405 by their partners in addition to receiving childcare support. 406 Lack of postpartum support from medical professionals. On top of the challenges 407 associated with childcare support postpartum women faced, many felt they lacked informational 408 support from healthcare professionals regarding how to re-engage in PAL post-childbirth. Vague 409 or no information was provided to participants at their six-week check-up. When Simone asked 410 her doctor how to rehabilitate her body after giving birth, he responded: “‘you could do stretches, 411 but that’s about it’”. Zara and Rena shared similar stories: ‘There wasn’t much in terms of taking 412 care of myself except having the peri bottle…there was zero [support] on the physical 413 rehabilitation side’ and ‘They looked at the incision and said it healed well. She gave me the all414 clear to resume activity, and that was it... If we had information available, maybe it would 415 encourage you to be more active sooner’. Participants also found that information provided 416 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 20 focused heavily on their child’s care, but neglected to provide resources for their physical care., 417 as Josie discussed: 418 You leave the hospital and they give you a lovely package with information like what 419 your baby’s poop should look like. There are no resources provided about joining a mom 420 group, finding an outdoor stroller club, or postnatal yoga. That piece of postpartum care 421 is definitely missing. 422 Personalized resources for women who needed longer-term care was identified as lacking by 423 participants too. Many said it took longer than their six-week check-up to feel ready to engage in 424 PAL, as Faye said: ‘I think people make up this six-week situation. I understand that things heal, 425 but I didn't really know how to return to exercise then’. These stories indicate the importance of 426 individualized care for postpartum women’s PAL. 427 Due to this knowledge gap, participants wondered: ‘What baby steps do I take to get back 428 into it?’ (Sandra). Participants were left with many questions surrounding safely engaging in 429 PAL, timing and intensity of returning to PAL, and balancing it with motherhood. Faye and 430 Lydia shared: ‘After six weeks, they just say you're clear and good to go. But what program? 431 Can I do high intensity workouts? What activity is okay?’ and ‘I did my own research. I asked 432 my midwife first, but she just said, “Just go for it. Listen to your body”’. Willow expressed 433 needing more information than a predetermined date to know when to re-engage: ‘They always 434 say, “six weeks you can start again”. But there's no actual timeline, knowing when your body is 435 actually ready or how to make sure your body's ready’. 436 Lastly, many participants had questions about the psychological aspects of balancing 437 motherhood and PAL. Participants felt there lacked information on creating a balance, as 438 reiterated by Leanne and Josie: ‘How can I balance motherhood and getting a workout in while 439 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 21 trying to find the time and space for self-care?’ and ‘I wanted to know about learning how to not 440 feel the guilt of making time for myself’. 441 Women Supporting Themselves and Each Other 442 The final theme reflects the resilience of postpartum women in their PAL journeys. 443 Participants who reengaged in PAL worked to redefine what PAL meant in their lives, relied on 444 their own knowledge, research skills, and social connections to engage in PAL. 445 Re-defining PAL. Navigating a new body and role led to exploring new ways of 446 engaging in PAL. Childbirth brought on many physical changes to their bodies, while having a 447 new child altered how much time they had to dedicate to being active. This need for adaptability 448 caused almost all participants to re-define what PAL meant and looked like to them so they could 449 engage in meaningful PAL postpartum. 450 Many participants shared that they used to think of PAL as an intense workout. After 451 giving birth that definition shifted to simply moving one’s body by walking or playing with their 452 children, as Coco disclosed: ‘I always thought of PA as high intensity, getting your heart rate up. 453 Now PA means hopefully getting out for a walk for half an hour a day’. In Faye’s case, she 454 participated in the same sport as pre-birth, but at a lower intensity: ‘PA was an intense sweat. 455 Now I’m back playing Frisbee, but my bar has lowered. Now [PAL] is any time I can take to 456 move my body and feel good’. Demetra’s experience was similar and expanded on why this re457 definition was important: ‘Before I had kids, I thought that I needed a full hour of activity. Now I 458 realize that will rarely ever happen unless I do 20 squats or a plank while I'm picking up toys’. 459 For other mothers, the meaning of PAL shifted from organized exercise to a meaningful form of 460 self-care and wanting to be in good health for their children. Relatedly, many participants shifted 461 their motivation for PAL engagement to include supporting their mental health. Prioritizing 462 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 22 mental health was important for many participants because of the emotional challenges having a 463 child involved. For example, Leah and Zara engaged in PAL to take time for themselves: ‘I don't 464 only see working out as a PA now, it’s also good for my mental health. It takes your mind off 465 things—you go to another place and feel good that you're doing something for yourself’ and ‘PA 466 is now just doing something for myself that feels good for my body. It’s showing up for myself 467 and thinking, “I'm taking this moment to use my body in a way that's fun or that I want to”’. 468 Likewise, some participants now viewed engaging in PAL as an act of resistance to 469 expectations surrounding motherhood, as Leah shared hearing: “‘It doesn't matter if you look 470 good because you're a mom and that's your priority now”. I was like screw that, I want to look 471 good for myself and I can still do that with a kid’. This re-definition was critical because it 472 helped participants direct attention toward self-care through PAL, rather than focus solely on 473 their child’s wellbeing. 474 Relying on personal knowledge. Due to lack of support and resources, postpartum 475 women depended on themselves, their knowledge, and their own research to re-engage in PAL. 476 Half of the participants were mothers of multiple children, relying on resources of experiences 477 from their previous postpartum experiences. As Simone and Sophie explained: ‘I jumped back 478 into what I was familiar with. I didn't look into the best way to go about it’ and ‘It's my second 479 postpartum, I already know local resources, so I reached out to the same pelvic floor physio’. 480 Similarly, consulting a pelvic floor physiotherapist (PFP) was critical for over half the 481 participants to recover from childbirth and re-engage comfortably in PAL. Most participants who 482 had access to PFPs relied on past knowledge or connections from friends or family members to 483 access this healthcare service without any recommendations coming from physicians. Some 484 participants lacked resources (e.g., childcare support, insurance, referrals) to visit one in person, 485 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 23 meaning they either searched for support online through their own research or did not visit one at 486 all, as Raven shared: 487 I only went to a pelvic floor physio once because I felt [baby] was really low and she 488 gave me some exercises to do. I really need to go back to her but I don’t have my 489 husband to take care of the baby. […] I would really love to get back to running at some 490 point, but I need to get back to the pelvic floor physio first. 491 Participants also shared that they utilized their professional or athletic experiences to 492 educate on how to engage in PAL. Three women were healthcare professionals and relied on 493 their own knowledge about PAL re-engagement. Leah, a nurse practitioner, shared that this 494 information was critical to her re-engagement: 495 I only [knew how to be active postpartum] because I'm a healthcare professional. Had I 496 not been, I don't think I would have had the resources or the knowledge to know what 497 was safe to do and what were some warning signs if I was being too active. 498 Similarly, Rosa, a registered holistic health and nutrition counselor, had the knowledge, yet was 499 frustrated that she lacked support to apply it: ‘I know how to support my body, what supplements 500 to take, how I'm supposed to be physically active and use affirmations and compassion towards 501 my body. I just can’t do them’. Therefore, participants who were already mothers, connected 502 with their bodies, and had medical knowledge relied on themselves as resources to return to 503 being active. 504 However, not all participants had the personal knowledge to return to PAL. While 505 participants who had already had children possessed some knowledge from lived experiences, 506 they still sought information and resources on retuning to PAL. To fill this information gap, all 507 participants expressed searching the internet for information and resources: ‘I don’t feel like 508 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 24 there were any available resources without me researching and trying to find them. They’re 509 definitely not provided’ (Anne). The internet was also an integral source of information for 510 mothers to engage in PAL. Rena found exercises online that she could do with her baby: ‘I saw 511 some YouTube videos where you lift baby above your head…There are many ways you can 512 incorporate baby into your fitness’. Felicia had no access to additional medical support because 513 of her limited childcare options; she relied heavily on information found online to recover and be 514 physically active again: ‘I went on YouTube for postpartum exercises because I had diastasis 515 recti. I looked up basic mommy exercises to help with that because I didn’t want to make it 516 worse’. In sum, the internet was an empowering form many women to take control of their 517 postpartum recovery, allowing them to return to PA when they were comfortable. 518 Turning to friends for support. Reaching out to friends was another strategy 519 postpartum women employed to gain more resources for PAL engagement. Participants’ friends 520 offered their knowledge, time, and emotional support to engage in PAL. For example, Rosa felt 521 emotionally supported by her friends who encouraged her to slow down her re-engagement into 522 PAL and manage unrealistic societal expectations: 523 I had questions about sleep deprivation; how do you not sleep all night and then get up 524 and workout? Nobody does that, but that's what's expected of you. I questioned myself: 525 “Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I do this?” Then I realized that the more 526 I talked to my friends, everyone's like, “Your body needs time to heal. You don't need 527 to be working out”. I found compassion for myself. “We're not going to worry about 528 workouts, and we're gonna worry about surviving”. 529 Several participants also shared walks with friends, neighbours, or fellow church goers 530 were forms of social support that accompanied PAL. Walks usually involved their children so 531 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 25 they did not need childcare support. Having supportive friends to engage in PAL with was an 532 important form of support. Joining online mothering groups was another way participants 533 accessed spaces to make friends and encouraged them to engage in PAL. 534 Discussion 535 Our study sought to explore postpartum women’s stories as they navigated PAL 536 engagement within the first year of giving birth to a child. The three central narratives to emerge 537 surrounding transformations of motherhood, lacking postpartum PAL support, and women 538 supporting themselves and each other, contain both novel and familiar findings that contribute 539 greatly to literature surrounding postpartum experiences. 540 Transformations of Motherhood 541 We found that postpartum women go through a multitude of transformations to both their 542 bodies and identities the first year after childbirth, affecting their PAL engagement. Many 543 participants found it challenging to connect with their PA identity because of the guilt associated 544 with focusing on themselves rather than their children, combined with the guilt they feel for not 545 being physically active (Bean & Wimbs, 2021). Guilt made participants feel that their time, 546 identity, and PAL should be dedicated to their children (Batey & Owton, 2014). Focusing on 547 their mother identity over their athletic identity also caused participants to feel a sense of loss 548 and the need to mourn their former selves as athletes. While much literature has looked at the 549 assimilation of mother and athlete identities, our study findings aligns with Darroch and 550 Hillsburg's (2017) work uncovering how some elite athlete runners felt they lost their athlete 551 identity and their mother identity moved to the foreground because it felt more ‘real’ (p. 66). 552 Self-compassion was an additional key component of engaging in PAL postpartum. 553 Several women expressed being ‘hard on themselves’. However, those who were compassionate 554 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 32 healthcare provider was also sought by participants as they wanted to learn how to be active in a 693 safe and meaningful way. We found that relying on healthcare providers was also unreliable as 694 their recommendations and suggestions were not tailored properly to participants’ needs. Last, 695 managing transformations and unsteady support sources lead to participants relying on 696 themselves and other mothers for advice to reengage in PAL. As such, re-defining PA, self697 sufficiency though research, and talking to others about their experiences was critical to 698 engaging in meaningful PAL postpartum. 699 Although this study addressed significant research gaps related to support for postpartum 700 women’s PAL, there are areas which warrant further exploration. Firstly, this study provided a 701 ‘snapshot’ of data were collected from participants’ lives with questions relying on recall as only 702 one interview was used at one point during their postpartum and motherhood journey. Future 703 research would benefit greatly from longitudinal qualitative research that continues to center the 704 participant voices, such as digital storytelling or timelines that dives into participants’ social 705 worlds and lived realities over time. Subsequent research on motherhood would also benefit from 706 a critical inquiry of how healthcare systems and leisure educators support postpartum women in 707 the long-term. The above paired with a critical deconstruction of these industry’s understanding 708 of motherhood would not only highlight but provide space to deconstruct and eliminate the 709 presence of a gendered and distanced understanding of motherhood. 710 Additionally future research could benefit from studies that work with participants who 711 identify as members of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. All women in our study self-identified as 712 cis-gendered women in heterosexual relationships. Further research exploring PAL of 713 postpartum 2SLGBTQIA+ parents can provide critical insight to how heteronormative gendered 714 expectations of parenthood and PAL participation affect their experiences (Trussell, 2020). Our 715 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 33 study was also limited by a predominately racially homogeneous sample, nor did our questions 716 seek to unpack the lived experiences of participants who identified as racially diverse. Further 717 exploration is required of how racially diverse postpartum women engage in PAL, including how 718 White-coded societal expectations impact their experiences. Likewise, 21 of 23 participants lived 719 in Canada, with access to up to 18-months of parental leave from paid work. Felicia and Demetra 720 lived in the United States; they could not access parental leave from paid work, which influenced 721 how they accessed PAL and support postpartum. Research comparing governmental policies 722 surrounding postpartum support may provide insight into how PAL is affected cross-culturally. 723 Finally, our data collection took place during the COVID-19 pandemic, meaning participants’ 724 experiences may have been impacted by provincial/state lockdowns and/or organizational 725 policies and business closures. Future research specifically examining postpartum PA 726 experiences during a pandemic would add a notable layer to current literature. 727 728 Declaration of interest statement. No potential competing interest was reported by the authors. 729 RETURNING TO PHYSICALLY ACTIVE LEISURE POSTPARTUM 34 References 730 Adamo, K. B., Langlois, K. A., Brett, K. E., & Colley, R. C. (2012). Young children and parental 731 physical activity levels. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 43(2), 168–175. 732 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amepre.2012.02.032 733 American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. (2020). 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