Dating Secretly : The Role of the Internet in Shaping Transnational Couple Formation in the Kurdish Diaspora

This is a self-archived version of an original article. This version may differ from the original in pagination and typographic details. Author(s): Title: Year: Version: Copyright: Rights: Rights url: Please cite the original version: CC BY 4.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/ Dating Secretly : The Role of the Internet in Shaping Transnational Couple Formation in the Kurdish Diaspora © 2016 Ethnologia Europaea Published version Häkkinen, Anne Häkkinen, A. (2016). Dating Secretly : The Role of the Internet in Shaping Transnational Couple Formation in the Kurdish Diaspora. Ethnologia Europaea, 46(1), 10-24. https://ee.openlibhums.org/article/id/1174/ 2016 Museum Tusculanum Press :: University of Copenhagen :: www.mtp.dk :: [email protected] DATING SECRETLY The Role of the Internet in Shaping Transnational Couple Formation in the Kurdish Diaspora Anne Häkkinen, University of Jyväskylä Drawing on twenty-one in-depth interviews, this article discusses the Internet’s role in the formation of transnational marriages among migrant Kurds who live in Finland. In contrast to what is presented in the European media, my findings suggest that transnational couple formation among migrants should be seen as highly diverse and more than just practices that maintain and preserve “traditional” marriage customs. Transnational online dating practices make visible how young adult Kurds actively engage in partner formation and spousal selection. Online dating enables individual autonomy by widening the circle of potential partners outside familial circles and offers a private social space in which people can create relationships on their own terms and evade social monitoring and possibly harmful rumors. Keywords : online dating, transnational marriage, Kurds, couple formation, ethnography Introduction In the field of migration studies, it has been ty pical for researchers to make a distinction between different ty pes of cross-border marriages: transnational versus non-transnational, intra-ethnic versus interethnic. In definitions of cross-border marriage, the notions of transnational and non-transnational are usually separated by the logics of how marriages are created across nation states (see also Körber & Merkel 2014). Transnational marriage is understood here primarily as a phenomenon in which migrants marr y partners from their families’ country of origin or from the same cultural or ethnic background within the diaspora1 (see Williams 2010, 2012 ; Charsley 2012). Multicultural or interethnic crossborder marriages are not taken into closer discussion here, since their social and cultural contexts are considerably different. A clear, univocal defi nition of the concept of transnational marriage is still missing from the research literature, and the term is used in numerous ways. However, many scholars study ing marriage migration agree that cross-border marriage alone does not signal transnationalism.2 In order to qualif y as transnational, there should be elements of preexisting and relatively enduring transnational connections (e.g. kinship ties, social networks, visits or reciprocity across borders), a sense of transnational or diasporic community, and a shared identity. This transnational sense of community may coneThnologia euroPaea 46:1 anne häkkinen 2016: Dating secretly. The role of the internet in shaping Transnational couple formation in the Kurdish Diaspora. Ethnologia Europaea 46:1, 10-24. © Museum Tusculanum Press. Ethnoologia Europaea :: Journal of European Ethnology 46:1 E-journal Copyright © 2016 Ethnologia Europaea, Copenhagen :: ISBN 987 87 635 4507 5 :: ISSN 1604 3030 http://www.mtp.dk/details.asp?eln=300378 10 Museum Tusculanum Press :: University of Copenhagen :: www.mtp.dk :: [email protected] tain a shared imagination of an original homeland which in different ways affects migrants’ and their descendants’ social practices and informs their relationship to both their country of residence and their country of origin (see Williams 2010 : 99–101; also Vertovec [1999]2010, 2009 on transnational social morpholog y). Most of the research on transnational marriages within Europe, both qualitative and quantitative, has concentrated on fairly few migrant groups, which have a longer labor and marriage migration history to Europe, particularly Muslim migrants from Pakistan, Turkey3 and Morocco (e.g., Lievens 1999 ; Shaw 2001; Straßburger 2004 ; Beck-Gernsheim 2007; Schmidt 2008 ; Timmerman 2006 ; van Kerckem & van der Bracht 2013; Carol, Ersanelli & Wagner 2014 ; Liversage 2014 ; for an exception, see Schmidt & Jakobsen 2004). These studies offer important insights into partner selection, motives and strategies for transnational marriages, gendered power structures in marriage migrant families, and the unexpected or unwanted consequences of state legislation on marriage migration and migrants’ everyday lives. However, marriages within other refugee communities, including that of the Kurds, comprise a relatively unexplored field (Williams 2010 : 141).4 In addition, little attention has been paid to the role of the Internet in this process (for exceptions see Schmidt 2008 ; Kibria 2012).5 Ethnological research into transnational online dating practices reveals a much more diverse picture of the marriage practices of migrants than those depicted in the European media. In public discourses and in media images, Muslim migrants’ marriage customs have of ten been depicted as traditional, monolithic and oppressively patriarchal, while the marriages of ethnic Norwegians, Swedes, Finns and Danes have appeared modern and liberal, based on individual autonomy and mutual love (see, e.g., Andreassen 2005 ; Keskinen 2009). Transnational marriages are in political and public debates also seen as an “easy” route for migrants originating in the Global South to migrate to Europe. While discussions in other Nordic countries have concentrated on issues of migrants’ transnational marriages, in Finland the focus has until recently been on families formed through marriages between Finnish citizens and spouses from the Global South (Leinonen & Pellander 2014). Issues such as forced marriages in Norway and “honor killings” in Sweden have attracted much attention and media visibilit y in recent years (Bredal 2005), and Finnish media has followed these trends with some delay. For example in the spring of 2014, Finns could watch news on the Internet and a documentary film shown on television related to forced transnational marriages and honor-related violence experienced by Kurdish women.6 At the core of the stigmatization and stereoty ping of transnational marriage is a notion of essential cultural difference, especially between Muslim migrants’ marriage patterns and European/Nordic/ Western marriage practices (Kibria 2012). From this perspective, the practice of transnational marriage stands in contrast to the prevailing values of marriage and partner selection in contemporar y Nordic societies. In these cultural representations of the “other” there is little space left for individual subjectivity, agency or resistance. Examining transnational marriage practices through a focus on online dating, on the other hand, provides a different angle on the issue of transnational matchmaking. Touching on questions of gender, generation and individual autonomy, in this article I discuss the Internet’s role in shaping transnational dating and couple formation among young migrant Kurds who live in Finland. In global marriage markets, Information and Communications Technologies (ICTs) have a quite recent role in enabling contact between individuals (and families) across nation states, as well as in creating new ways of searching for and finding a spouse, for example via various online dating websites (e.g., Constable 2003; Venables 2008 ; Kibria 2012). However, the role of the Internet is not always a straightforward one, and neither are the attitudes towards cross-border marriages created via the Internet. The Internet as an intermediar y in the creation of marital unions may arouse suspicion regarding motives in the eyes of immigration authorities and among migrant families themselves. In this article I examine 1) which features characterize eThnologia euroPaea 46:1 Ethnoologia Europaea :: Journal of European Ethnology 46:1 E-journal Copyright © 2016 Ethnologia Europaea, Copenhagen :: ISBN 987 87 635 4507 5 :: ISSN 1604 3030 http://www.mtp.dk/details.asp?eln=300378 11 Museum Tusculanum Press :: University of Copenhagen :: www.mtp.dk :: [email protected] transnational online dating, 2) what makes online dating an attractive option for couples, and 3) how it both challenges and adapts itself to marriage norms and practices prevalent among Kurds. Research Data and Methods I base my discussion on empirical materials gathered largely in 2011 and 2012. My material consists of thematic in-depth interviews and informal discussions with single and transnationally married Kurds who live in Finland. All of them have moved to Finland from Iran, Iraq or Turkey when they were children, adolescents or young adults. Eleven of them consider themselves either religious or secular Muslims, and eight of them self-identif y as agnostics, non-religious or as belonging to a religious minority group. I have conducted twenty-one inter views with nineteen persons, both couples and individuals who had either married or dated transnationally. I have interviewed nine informants two or three times, and have maintained contact with some of them continuously during the research process via email conversations, phone calls and regular visits.7 My approach to the inter view material is social constructionist, in other words, I examine how people talk about, conceptualize and verbalize lived and experienced social life as collaboratively (re)constructed by the interviewee and the interviewer in interview narratives. This is not to say that reality outside the human mind does not exist, but rather that understanding of that reality is constructed locally, in particular situations and in interaction with others. I also view what is said in interviews in terms of social action and performance. As Paul Atkinson and Amanda Coffey (2001) put it, “actions, we argue, are understandable because they can be talked about.” According to Atkinson and Coffey, narrated accounts, including those told during interviews, are actions. In recognizing the performative qualities of social life and narration the researcher avoids juxtaposing talk and events as if they occupied different spheres of meaning (Atkinson & Coffey 2001: 801; see also R iessman 1993). Every speech act can thus be seen as a performative act, which brings into being the social systems of a community through utterance. Normative values and social practices surrounding marriage and gender, for example, enter into personal narratives and discourses. For my methodolog y, I utilize the narrative ethnography approach, exploring narrated experiences and practices in their socio-cultural and discursive but also in their experiential and material contexts (Gubrium & Holstein 2008). I focus on one particular case at greater length. The advantage of concentrating on a few cases is that fragmentation and depersonalization are avoided, which could come about when a researcher makes cross-cutting thematic analyses of qualitative material (Riessman 1993). This strategy enables the researcher to scrutinize the context, particularities, possible contradictions and situated nature of narratives, discourses and practices. Avoiding depersonalization is an ethical decision as much as an analytical strateg y: interview citations that are detached from their contexts easily represent those under study as faceless and powerless. Transnational Marriages among the Kurdish Population in Finland Transnational marriage immigration is a more recent phenomenon in Finland than it is in many other Western European countries. In recent decades, it has involved primarily immigrants from the Middle East, the Indian continent and Northern Africa (see Martikainen 2007; Säävälä 2013; Häkkinen 2014). As a matter of fact, Kurdish migration to Finland reflects recent Finnish migration history in general: in the 1980s, Finland went from being a country of outward emigration to a receiving country for immigrants due to Finnish returnees from the former Soviet Union/Russia. At the beginning of the 1990s, the number of immigrant refugees (e.g., Somalis, Kurds and former Yugoslavians) began to rise in Finland (Söderling & Korkiasaari 1998). Like most of my inter viewees or their parents, many Kurds began to arrive in Finland at the end of the 1980s and the beginning of the 1990s either as quota refugees with their families or as asylum seekers, and more recently also as reunited family members (Wahlbeck 1999). Thus, Finland’s Kurdish population eThnologia euroPaea 46:1 Ethnoologia Europaea :: Journal of European Ethnology 46:1 E-journal Copyright © 2016 Ethnologia Europaea, Copenhagen :: ISBN 987 87 635 4507 5 :: ISSN 1604 3030 http://www.mtp.dk/details.asp?eln=300378 12 Museum Tusculanum Press :: University of Copenhagen :: www.mtp.dk :: [email protected] differs markedly from that of many other European countries in which a clear majority of the Kurdish population originated in Turkey as a result of labor migration taking place in the 1960s and the 1970s and later via family unification (Ammann 2000 ; van Bruinessen 2000). Instead, Kurds from Iraq and Iran comprise the majority of the Kurdish population in Finland (Wahlbeck 1999 ; see also Statistics Finland 2014). Currently, Kurdish speakers form the sixth largest foreign-language group in Finland, numbering slightly over 10,000 individuals in 2014 (Statistics Finland 2014). Nevertheless, the number of Kurds in Finland is small in comparison to other Nordic countries and especially to Germany, which according to current estimates has almost one million Kurds (European Commission 2006). The Kurdish population in Finland is young : three-fif ths (57%) were under 30 years of age in 2014. Or put differently, among the adult Kurdish population two-fifths (38%) were young adults (20 – 29 years) (see Statistics Finland 2014). Scrutinizing the Kurdish second generation in Finland for example, in 2010 only one person was married (Statistics Finland 2012). This means that the question of marriage will become relevant for a considerable group of individuals in the near future as the children of Kurdish migrants approach marital age. It also appears inevitable that transnational marriage will play a part in future marriages among Kurds who live in Finland, since there exists significant pressure to marry a person from the same ethnic background and the number of individuals in Finland who could be considered potential spouses (who belong to the same age group, speak the same Kurdish dialect, share the same stance toward religion, have similar socio-economic backgrounds, share family/social contacts etc.) is ver y limited (about spousal preferences among Kurds in Finland, see Häk kinen 2014). How common are transnational marriages among Kurds? According to statistics, two thirds (63%) of marriages within the Kurdish-speaking population in Finland registered in 2000 –2012 were transnational.8 The proportion of transnational marriages is the same for both men and women, and it has remained relatively unchanged during this time period (Statistics Finland 2013). Statistics do not tell us much about the nature of these marriages. Transnational marriages described in my ethnographic material were highly diverse. They varied from selfinitiated /self-organized9 to assisted and arranged marriages, and there were marriages both among kin (between cousins, second cousins or other distant relatives) and outside of the kin group. Marriage practices could also var y within the same family: some siblings had married a Finn, others a co-ethnic in Finland, a Kurd from “home” or from the diaspora. Similarly, some of the marriages within one family could be characterized as arranged and some as self-initiated/self-organized. W hat is noticeable is that semi-arranged and arranged marriages among interviewees were not always consanguineous, and conversely, some self-initiated marriages took place within the kin group. Transnational marriage practices and ideas of marriage undoubtedly reflect changes taking place not only within diasporic communities but also in countries of origin. There have been evident generational changes in marriage practices and ideals (see, e.g., Hart 2007; Kibria 2012 ; Grabolle-Ҫeliker 2013: 175 ; van Kerckem & van der Bracht 2013): one common stor y I heard about interviewees’ parents’ marriages was that they were married or betrothed to a person whom they did not know, or whom they had no possibility to meet before the wedding. Some of them were also married off at a very young age.10 Nowadays, the variety of ways in which young Kurds find their spouse seems to be more diverse than in their parent’s generation, also in cases of arranged marriages. The role of parents in arranged marriages may actually be nothing more than suggesting a suitable partner, with the rest depending on their son’s or daughter’s own interest in the suggested person. Previous research literature has also shown that higher rates of transnational marriages exist among migrants and their children who come from countries with a large Muslim majority population (see, e.g., Lievens 1999 ; Beck-Gernsheim 2007; Carol, Ersanelli & Wagner 2014). Even though most Kurds are Sunni Muslims,11 transnational marriage is not limited only to those who consider themselves to be relieThnologia euroPaea 46:1 Ethnoologia Europaea :: Journal of European Ethnology 46:1 E-journal Copyright © 2016 Ethnologia Europaea, Copenhagen :: ISBN 987 87 635 4507 5 :: ISSN 1604 3030 http://www.mtp.dk/details.asp?eln=300378 13 Museum Tusculanum Press :: University of Copenhagen :: www.mtp.dk :: [email protected] gious or secular Muslims, but also take place among other Kurdish religious groups and atheist Kurds. In the case of Kurds, according to my interview data, the ethnicity of the spouse is at least as important as membership in the same religious group or sharing the same stance on religion (see also Straßburger 2002 : 215). The point I seek to make here is that the form of online dating discussed in this article is not necessarily attached to the question of religion or shared Muslim identity as such, but that transnational online dating practices are complex and multi-dimensiona l. Online Dating in the Context of Transnational Marriage Formation The mediatization12 of life worlds and societies has an impact at the global level on transnational network and partner formation, for example via different Internet practices. In addition to being widely used for maintaining ties with relatives, friends and larger social and virtual communities that might be scattered around the world (e.g., Vertovec 2009 ; Mainsah 2010), the Internet is also used for maintaining transnational contact with potential marriage partners, especially in situations in which a personal link already exists or has been created via shared social (kinship) networks. In such cases, the Internet serves merely as a tool for communicating across nation-state borders alongside other ty pes of information and communication technologies such as the mobile phone. This was common among my interviewees regardless of whether marriages were self-initiated or arranged. This article, however, focuses not on the Internet’s role in maintaining relationships, but in initiating first contact between potential spouses. Here, the distinction needs to be made between 1) online dating websites, such as Muslima.com, SingleKurds. com or Match.com, which are designed particularly for searching for a partner, and 2) social networking sites such as Facebook, (e.g., Turkish, Kurdish) chat rooms, blogs and online game environments, which can serve to create diverse forms of contact between individuals, and not only for matchmaking (see also Daneback 2006 ; Whitty, Baker & Inman 2007). In her compa rat ive study of Ba ngladeshi Muslims in the USA and Great Britain, Na zli Kibria (2012) found t hat on line dat ing sites were used by her inter v iewees and t heir fa milies in order to fi nd a suitable par tner from t heir countr y of orig in. Searching for a spouse v ia matchma k ing websites was a new form of arra nging transnationa l marriages that was more a fa mily project tha n merely an ind iv idua l init iative (see Kibria 2012). For exa mple, t he online dat i ng site SingleMuslim.com, developed to help search for a simi lar-minded Muslim par tner, encourages “you to involve your fami ly – t heir support a nd g uida nce w il l be invaluable and importa nt in build ing your ow n fami ly.” On the same website it is a lso mentioned t hat “[y]ou ca n a lso reg ister on beha lf of your son, daughter, brot her, sister or a ny other fa mi ly member.” In t his contex t, online dating sites are adjusted to meet t he current marriage practices of a pa r ticula r socia l group, a nd by including parents in the process, t hey become more acceptable in the eyes of pa rents. However, online dat ing sites a lso simu ltaneously transform matchma k ing prac t ices, not least by increasing t he indiv idua l autonomy of t he younger generat ion to influence spousa l select ion while reducing pa rents’ role i n choosing a spouse for t heir child (see Kibria 2012). The Internet ca n be creatively used in the rea lization of bot h pa rents’ and chi ldren’s agenc y by suppor ting cultura l cont i nuit y in marriage practices and simultaneously by suppor t ing cu ltura l change reflect ing more heterogeneous attitudes towards marriage a nd more diverse mea ns of fi nding a spouse. In the Kurdish diasporic context, transnationa l online dating seems to reflect more indiv idua l ly motivated endeavors to fi nd a suitable part ner instead of being primari ly a fami ly project or a new form of arra nged marriage. A g rowing nu mber of onli ne dat i ng sites a im to help users fi nd specifica lly Kurdish pa r tners,13 a development that signa ls both a need for t his a lter nat ive to more common ways of fi nd ing a pa r tner v ia socia l networks, and t he fact that ethnicit y plays a crucia l role in par tner selection. Such dat ing sites appea r to be more secular t ha n t hose sites specifica l ly for eThnologia euroPaea 46:1 Ethnoologia Europaea :: Journal of European Ethnology 46:1 E-journal Copyright © 2016 Ethnologia Europaea, Copenhagen :: ISBN 987 87 635 4507 5 :: ISSN 1604 3030 http://www.mtp.dk/details.asp?eln=300378 14 Museum Tusculanum Press :: University of Copenhagen :: www.mtp.dk :: [email protected] fi nd ing a Muslim part ner. For exa mple, t hey do not high lig ht religious aspects as a centra l criterion in par tner select ion. Instead, t hese websites market t heir matchma k ing ser v ices in roma ntica l ly and indiv idua l ly or iented ways : “Find a Kurd ish sou lmate a nd ex perience the love you’ve been dreaming about forever” (Kurdishdating.com) or “[f ]i nd your Kurdish part ner for Life, Love and Marriage” (Kurdishdate.net). These websites g uarantee the privacy and anony mit y of t heir users a nd the possibi lit y “to meet online in a safe env ironment” (e.g., Sing lekurds.com). Many dating sites use Eng lish as a lingua fra nca, and t heir ser v ices a re clearly d irected toward people who live in the diaspora, and are seek ing a pa r t ner w ithi n the diaspora or from a prev ious homela nd.14 W hat ma kes social net working sites dif ferent f rom t he use of online dating sites is t hat ind iv idua ls might not a lways be actively searchi ng for a par tner whi le v isit ing these sites or web communities, and the fi rst contact bet ween the t wo may be accidenta l. A par tner found v ia a socia l net working site ca n be a stranger, but there might a lso be a socia l link (but not necessarily a current ly ma intained one) bet ween the two, for example t he couple might be distant relatives, fa mi ly acquainta nces, or ex-neighbors in t he countr y of orig in. It is easier to ta ke the initiat ive to start a relationship on a socia l net work ing site t ha n it is to register for a dat ing site, which means actively and openly searching for a par tner. This mig ht be t he reason why t he transnat iona l online dat ing cases (13) of which I was informed were a l l formed v ia socia l net work ing sites. Eig ht out of thirteen cases involved a young Kurdish woman who lived in Finla nd and had a relationship w it h a Kurd ish man f rom her countr y of orig in (Turkey or Iraq), a nd four cases i nvolved a relationship w it h a Kurdish ma n f rom elsewhere in the diaspora. Four women a lso moved or planned to move back to t heir home countr y a f ter ma rriage. There was also one case in which a Kurdish ma n liv ing in Finland had created a contact v ia t he Internet w it h his fema le relative who lived in t he d iaspora. Is the Internet an Appropriate Way to Find a Suitable Partner? The Case of Bênav Bênav, a young single woman in her early twenties, arrived from Turkey to Finland with her family when she was a teenager. In an interview, Bênav shared the fact with me that she has a Kurdish boyfriend from her hometown in Turkey, whom she met through the Internet. The young couple has been dating for a year, and has secretly been in daily contact with each other via Messenger, Facebook and cellphone, sharing some photos as well. They have plans to marr y and fi nd a future home in their hometown in the Kurdistan area of Turkey. Most members of Bênav’s boy friend’s family are aware of their dating because of information leaks regarding their relationship on Facebook. Bênav’s boyfriend’s family in Turkey has accepted their long-distance relationship. However, Bênav’s parents are unaware of the relationship and the question is how the couple should go about telling her parents about the relationship and their plans for marriage, since they met in a chat room. Bênav is certain that her mother would not approve of the way the couple have started their relationship, and fears that her parents will not allow them to marr y. She is also uncertain about whether her parents will agree to her moving back to Turkey. According to Bênav, she and her boy friend must make their relationship appear socially more appropriate, which means that they must invent another stor y of how they possibly could have met each other. This could be, for example, at the wedding of a relative or common acquaintance or through some other common link between the two families. Bênav has planned to tell her parents about her interest in this man on their next trip to Turkey, since at that time there would be a better possibility for the families to meet each other and for the boyfriend ’s family to make an official marriage proposal to Bênav’s parents. In Finland, as in many Western countries, online dating has become a socially accepted and even mundane way of searching for a partner (Monger 2013: 500). However, only fifteen years ago when online matchmaking was a relatively new phenomenon, there was a highly negative stigma attached to eThnologia euroPaea 46:1 Ethnoologia Europaea :: Journal of European Ethnology 46:1 E-journal Copyright © 2016 Ethnologia Europaea, Copenhagen :: ISBN 987 87 635 4507 5 :: ISSN 1604 3030 http://www.mtp.dk/details.asp?eln=300378 15 Museum Tusculanum Press :: University of Copenhagen :: www.mtp.dk :: [email protected] online dating relationships in Finland. This stigma was connected to the imagined attributes of online daters as desperate, lonely and anti-social, based on the presumption that only people who had problems fi nding a partner in face-to-face situations would use the Internet for matchmaking. People were skeptical as to whether a relationship started in the Internet could really endure. In public discussions there were also concerns raised about the potential safety risks of online dating. However, despite negative images, people continued to get involved in online relationships – many successfully so (see, e.g., Wahlström 2004 ; Hamari 2011). The question arises of why the Internet is perceived to be a less appropriate means of finding a spouse especially among the older generation(s) of Kurds. Is it due to the same stigma that earlier existed in Finnish society towards online dating, because it is a new and less familiar way of looking for a partner? Or are the reasons more complicated and also connected to migration and cultural issues particularly? I suggest that the context of migration, cultural expectations regarding how young people should meet each other, and modes of interaction considered acceptable prior to marriage, all play an important role here. The dubious nature of the Internet is intertwined with contradictions that are at play in today’s marriage practices, which are currently changing in transnational social spaces. These are in turn centrally connected to the issue of sexuality and premarital relationships among Kurds. Although there are considerable differences across families in the extent to which they become involved in or control their children’s partner selection, marriage is by many Kurdish families still understood to unite families and not merely individual partners. Because the reputation of the partner and his or her kin group affects the reputation of the whole family, parental approval (even a nominal one) for marriage is still important for many parents (see also YalҫinHeckmann 1991; Ammann 2000 ; Grabolle-Ҫeliker 2013). When considering prevailing marriage patterns among Kurds (see, e.g., Smits & GündüzHoşgör 2003 ; COSIT 2005; Grabolle-Ҫeliker 2013), there seems to be no legitimate place for premarital dating, although it does exist. On the one hand, premarital relationships are becoming more common among Kurdish youth, but at the same time, female reputation and the guarding of female virginity are still seen to be very relevant issues in Kurdish communities in Finland. Premarital relationships threaten prevailing norms of sexuality and especially female honor and virginity (see also Mernissi 1982). Because of this, premarital dating usually takes place in secret. Women’s behavior in the domain of sexuality comes under scrutiny by the community especially in situations in which an ethnic group such as the Kurds has historically confronted, and still continues to confront ethnic cleansing, genocide and continuing threats to its existence. Thus, women’s actions and sexual morality have symbolic value and they are seen to have implications for the reproduction of the entire ethnic group, their culture and identity over time (Yuval-Davis 1997; Nagel 2003 ; Alinia 2013). In this context, it is not a surprise that dating is a delicate issue in the Kurdish diaspora as well. Where the issue of female virginity is especially sensitive, premarital dating is much easier to organize and conceal from public view, thus avoiding harmful rumors when there is a concrete distance between the two persons involved. This makes transnational dating in many ways an attractive option. The Internet and particularly different online media platforms such as Facebook and chat rooms not only facilitate networking among individuals and groups, but also create spheres of invisibility and concealment. In cases similar to that of Bênav’s, which are characterized by confl icting expectations regarding premarital relationships across generations and cultures, considerable tensions can arise within the family. One way to navigate between differing expectations and protect family relations is concealment and various forms of deception (Liversage 2014). In the case of Bênav, this has meant keeping hidden from her parents the way in which she met her boyfriend and inventing a more appropriate fi rst meeting. This makes transnational dating in many ways an attractive option. Because the Internet allows people to engage in eThnologia euroPaea 46:1 Ethnoologia Europaea :: Journal of European Ethnology 46:1 E-journal Copyright © 2016 Ethnologia Europaea, Copenhagen :: ISBN 987 87 635 4507 5 :: ISSN 1604 3030 http://www.mtp.dk/details.asp?eln=300378 16 Museum Tusculanum Press :: University of Copenhagen :: www.mtp.dk :: [email protected] premarital relationships that would be difficult to engage in offline (see also Daneback 2006 ; Wheeler 2006 ; Schmidt 2008; Pearl Kaya 2009 ; Christensen 2011), it could be assumed that the Internet can solve most of the problems related to dating among Kurds. Yet online dating can still threaten female reputation via information leaks. Private photos and gossip may spread easily via the Internet. This may be one reason why Bênav’s boy friend’s parents have accepted his online relationship more readily than Bênav believes her parents would, if they knew of it. According to Bênav, her boyfriend ’s family members had congratulated him on having a girlfriend. I interpret this as a gender-related issue in which online dating by women is more likely to cause tensions in the family, since female honor is at stake even in online env ironments. The fact that one can potentially date anyone via the Internet makes online dating appear particularly questionable in the eyes of parents. Especially in the context of migration, and when the potential partner is a stranger to the family, parents may have doubts about whether the partner is interested in a real marriage with their child or whether he or she is just using marriage as a means to migrate to Europe.15 If the family does not have any social link to the partner’s family, they may find it difficult to evaluate the background of the potential spouse and his or her family (cf. Charsley 2010). Distrust is also heightened by the fact that the online world can be relatively unfamiliar to the parents’ generation. However, parents have their own strategies for seeking to prevent the misuse of marriage as merely a ticket to Europe : Bênav: My parents will probably ask a lot of money or gold from him. Anne : Aha. [sounds surprised] Bênav: For me, not for them. My mother, her idea is, if he is a stranger, she will ask for lots of gold, because if this man is being serious [about the marriage], of course he will buy [gold]. If he is not serious, and if he wants to use me and wants to just come to Europe, and always parents think these kinds of things, then he won’t buy [gold]. […] That’s why my mother thinks that she will ask for a lot of gold. Anne : How much, do you think, would it be ? Bênav: Well, let’s say at least twenty, thirty thousand euros. In this citation, Bênav is referring to the practice of bride price which has been traditionally paid to the bride’s family and has been a common practice among Kurdish communities at least in rural areas of Turkey at the end of the 1990s and the beginning of the 2000s (see Smits & Gündüz-Hoşgör 2003; Ertem & Kocturk 2008). However, according to Amid Hassanpour (2001: 243), this practice is virtually absent among the Kurdish urban middle classes. Instead, the families of the marr ying couple agree on an amount of gold that the husband must pay to the wife in case of divorce (ibid. 2001: 243). It seems that Bênav is referring to the latter type by emphasizing that the money her parents might insist upon will be intended for Bênav, not for her parents. Its purpose will be to support Bênav in case of a divorce, or merely as a deterrent to divorce. By asking for a considerably large amount of money from a potential spouse, parents strive to ensure that the partner comes from a wealthy family. However, the idea of bride price takes on new meanings and functions in the migration context. It is also used by parents to ensure that the partner’s motives for marrying are proper: if he is only interested in Bênav for the residence permit he would obtain by marr ying her, a high bride price will make it more likely that he will consider the stratagem too costly (also Timmerman 20 06 : 135). Indiv idual Autonomy and Partner Choice in Online Matchmaking When examining individual autonomy in the choice of partner in online dating, it is important to take into account parents’ criteria for their child’s future spouse. 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Her research examines spousal choice and experiences of transnational marriages among migrant Kurds in Finland. ([email protected]) eThnologia euroPaea 46:1 Ethnoologia Europaea :: Journal of European Ethnology 46:1 E-journal Copyright © 2016 Ethnologia Europaea, Copenhagen :: ISBN 987 87 635 4507 5 :: ISSN 1604 3030 http://www.mtp.dk/details.asp?eln=300378 24